Radical Family

Well, we've a come to the end of our time with Jack and Judith Balswick's The Family. Have you managed to make it all the way? Not exactly an easy read (a few evenings of suddenly jolting awake over my copy and having no memory of where I was up to!!!); but as I now try to sum up what I've drawn from it, I'm convicted of how important it is to have a biblically shaped understanding of why God has placed us in families, of His wisdom in doing so, and how we as Christians frame a response to the reality of what family looks like in our broken world.

This morning I was listening to a friend as she talked about her dysfunctional family, and as I now reflect on her deep feeling of lost-ness, I think it's impossible to overstate the significance of family. Family has the potential to be a source of immense joy, and when it fails, it is a source of almost unbearable pain. God has created us as beings with deep, undeniable needs that can only be met in fellowship with others. Inside the family there is the potential for love and intimacy and a sense of belonging that can rarely, if ever, be found anywhere else. If your family doesn't provide that unconditional love and acceptance, who will? Who will meet that need, in a sustained way? Obviously, we who know Him can say, with deep thankfulness, that God provides completely what our parents could only ever provide partially. But research is showing more and more that those early years of bonding with family members form the basis for a person's lifetime of relationships. That is the way He has made us. And yet, in our modern society, the systems which have supported family life, have been and are being eroded. An ever-increasing obsession with commodities and consumerism, individualism, the fragmentation of community...the isolated nuclear family is like a little boat being battered and bruised in this storm. Without support it is so difficult to keep afloat, in any meaningful sense.

The most vulnerable families are those who have been broken apart by the pressures of life and by human frailty. I have a number of single parent friends, and reading the Balswick's section on single parent families underlined for me how tough it is for them - struggling just to keep your head above water financially, and having little emotional resources or time left for your children. In the face of this burden, it is so important that we as Christ's church are a family for families, providing that structure of grace in which single parents and their kids can find support, encouragement and fellowship.

I felt really fired up by the Balswick's final chapter, in which they call for a radical Christian response to modernity. As worshippers of the true God, we need to fight against the worship of wealth in our culture, as well as against the idolisation of individual freedom and personal self-fulfilment. Does that mean that as parents we don't both go back to work full-time, but ensure that our children are spending enough time with a family member who loves them? Does it mean that we don't accept that promotion that will uproot our family to another city? That we accept a pay cut rather than miss out on family dinner time each night? That we take time out from a flourishing career to care for an elderly family member? These are complex decisions, but in view of the toll that greed, consumerism and individualism are taking on families, it is essential that we, as Christian families, model a different way, the way of self-sacrifice for the good of others.

Far from turning to 'amoral familism', in which we care only for our own family, it is the mission of Christ in reaching out to the lost, the marginalised, the poor and vulnerable which becomes the central mission of the strong Christian family. That mission becomes, in turn, something that binds a family together. Do our ministry commitments conflict with time shared with family? Then maybe we need to think of creative ways to reclaim the meaning of community, and be involved in community activities together as families. How can we, as a strong family, be a blessing to our church, to our community? How can we, as a church, structure our activities and ministries so as not to contribute to weakening family togetherness, but strengthening it? Lots of questions are swirling around in my mind - hopefully you too have been stimulated to evaluate your own family and church life. May God strengthen us to live out His truth, in our families and our world.

Identity Crisis

The main thing I've enjoyed about reading The Family, by Jack and Judy Balswick, is the perspective it has given me on family life in it's entirety, not only in the context of passing time, but also in the fabric of the broader culture and society in which a family finds itself. It's very easy to become entrenched in the problems and struggles we are having as a family in the here and now. In some ways, guiding a family feels like steering a ship through uncharted waters in a thick fog! It helps to zoom out and gain a picture of God's purpose in the creation of families.

Looking at an area like Gender and Sexuality in the context of the family has taken me out of that immediate space and given me a bigger vision to contemplate. What does it mean to be Christ's person, in our manhood or our womanhood? How do we as Christians walk a biblical line between traditional cultural norms of masculinity/femininity and the redefinition of gender roles that has been characteristic of modern society?

The Balswicks’ tend toward an egalitarian viewpoint, arguing that in response to society's shifting of concepts of gender roles, Christians should take the opportunity to re-align with God's intended purpose for all humans, rather than jumping to defend traditional definitions. Although this is an excellent point, once again, in their desire to avoid 'proof-texting', the Balswicks gloss over significant passages which deal directly with masculine/feminine identity. Their argument is that the Bible says far more about general Christian character than about normative differences in temperament and behaviour for males and females. I agree...but is that grounds to ignore the brief passages that bear directly on this issue?...not convinced.

One point I found resonated with me: the Balswicks argue persuasively for the need to actively liberate men from traditional definitions of masculinity that have hindered them from developing healthy relationships. I have believed for a while now that Australian masculine identity is in crisis. I think my husband agrees with me! Qualities that were traditionally seen as strengths for men, in our technologised, post-feminist world now seem a bit superfluous. What does it mean to be a man? What is all that testosterone for?

The suffering-servant-leadership that Paul puts forward in Ephesians is given the name 'soft patriarchy' in this book, a term for homes where male leadership is supported, but where fathers have greater emotional engagement with their wives and children. While they neither endorse nor condemn 'soft patriarchy', the authors are strenuous in making the point that fathers need to be involved in their children's lives, as equal partners with mothers, enacting together the four pillars of family life: covenant love, mutual empowerment, forgiving grace and intimacy; and seeking to follow Jesus, the ultimate human being, who integrated both 'masculine' and 'feminine' characteristics.

Just as the idea of gender roles is fraught with cultural baggage, so too is the realm of sexuality. I think, as Christians, we react to the brokenness of our world by retreating to a fixation on behaviour - preventing wrong acts. I know this can sometimes be my attitude: worrying about what the future may hold for my daughters, and thinking about how to control the environment in order to circumvent sexual sin. I found the Balswicks’ discussion of 'authentic' sexuality to be realistic and freeing - freeing to be reminded that God made us as sexual beings in order to fulfil his good purpose in creation. Of course, for many people this goes painfully wrong. The authors are honest about the fact that 'the comprehensiveness of the fall means that achieving an authentic sexuality involves conflict and struggle for everyone'. As sexuality becomes more and more a point of obsession in our world, it is good for us as Christians to acknowledge it, but to frame sexuality as a part of the fabric of the whole person, not the defining characteristic. True humanity is found in having an identity in Christ.

'Press on mums...'

Parental determinism - it's the idea that if I can just get my parenting exactly right, my children will turn out well. I guess the reverse must also be true: that if I stuff up enough times, I will somehow 'break' my kids. Does anyone else feel this subconscious pressure gnawing at their family life? How does it match up with what we know God says about human nature? What of our trust in His grace and the power of His Spirit?

Having dealt in Chapter Two with the basis of the family, the marriage dyad, Chapter Three of the Balswicks' book The Family deals with the next stage: parenting. It examines styles of parenting, theories of child development, family spirituality, adolescence and later stage family developments. I found the first point the authors made to be somewhat ironic...but also really refreshing: that our culture has become overly obsessed with expert opinion on parenting, and reduced parents to a state of fear. Their own advice to parents is to throw out their how-to-parent books and simply become real parents to their children. If only I'd read this six months ago, before I began my recent odyssey of parenting books!

Parenting involves two types of leadership skills: instrumental and socio-emotional. Within the instrumental (task-oriented) set, parents can teach in two ways, through action or through delivering content (basically talk). Unsurprisingly, those who rate low in both areas are neglectful. Modeling (high action, low content) was more successful than teaching, since children begin to distrust when actions don't match up to words. The highest form of instrumental parenting they named discipling, high in both action and content.

In terms of the other skill set, the socio-emotional (person-oriented), parents are measured on support and control. Those high in both are authoritative; those high only in control are authoritarian; while those high only in support are permissive. Once again, it is the authoritative parenting style (combining both support and control) that reports the best outcomes. So it looks like if we can couple an authoritative approach with an aim to disciple our kids, we are on the right track...so far, so good.

The authors moved on to discuss and critique various theories of child development. These are too complex to do justice to here. While they are helpful in trying to understand our kids in order to be able to serve and guide them, the Balswicks point out that they stop short of the concept of sin. The Balswicks define the heart of sin as brokenness in relationship (with both God and others). I guess what the sociological language might describe in terms of developmental disruption or a need for personal growth, we as Christians should not be afraid to call 'sin', and to confront our need for forgiveness from God. This grace to acknowledge sin within family life and to work at forgiveness must be one of the most significant marks of the Christian family.

Looking at things from this theoretical point of view and trying to analyse one's own family life...it really is almost too much for the brain to cope with. Thankfully, we don't need to think in those terms. As the Balswicks go on to articulate, it is Jesus' servant-leadership that we are aiming for in the goal of empowering our children to attain to a mature, reciprocating self. And isn't it great that we are not alone in doing this? The Spirit helps us and works in our children for the goal that we ourselves are unable to attain. And God willing, that work of the Spirit will be ongoing in them, long after our 'parenting' role has finished.

I'm reminded of one of my favourite Colin Buchanan songs...

Press on mums, in all the chaos, look to Jesus through your tears.

Press on mums, God will guide you through those precious tender years.

And in all you do, do it for Jesus,

who won you life and free forgiveness.

Yesterday, today He is the same.

In all you do, do it in Jesus' name.

And when all your human energy is gone,

look toward your Jesus and press on.

Introducing 'The Family' by Jack and Judith Balswick

After a day of work in which my husband had looked after our kids (a role reversal for us), I returned home hoping for a few quiet stories on the lounge, followed by family dinner and the normal bedtime routine. Perhaps that was unrealistic... Instead I was faced with almost unremitting tantrums and misbehaviour until we managed to get them to sleep. At one point, I turned to my husband and said, "Is this normal,...or is there something wrong with our kids?"

I'm sure I'm not the only parent who has ever asked this question at a difficult time in their family life. How do you reconcile the biblical ideals with the realities of human frailty and our modern way of life - while getting a four year old to pack away her dress-ups? Here's hoping Jack and Judith Balswick's The Family will shed some light! The authors' aim is to build a Christian theology of the family as a 'bio-psycho-social' system, and in so doing to meld their biblical understanding of family with the most current sociological perspectives on the marks of a resilient family.

The Balswicks state early on that their desire is to avoid 'proof-texting', instead using Trinitarian theology to derive concrete biblical principles. I found their first chapter clear and persuasive, as they outlined four main pillars of Christian family: covenant; grace; empowerment; and intimacy. I particularly liked the way the idea of a family covenant was thought out - moving from a unilateral covenant made by the parents, into a mature, reciprocal covenant as children grow - and how this was contrasted with the impoverished idea of the modern marriage/family contract. Of course this covenantal view of family life comes from the fact that we have a covenant-making God (hooray for that!!), and clearly the concept of the place of grace within family life also stems from the nature of God's character and His dealings with us through Christ. The idea of empowerment was intriguing. In contrast to the worldly idea of power as something which must be carved out for oneself and used to assert self and dominate others, within this biblical model, power is used to empower others to be all that God has made them to be. The first person is also thereby empowered in the relationship, leading to mutual enrichment. This made me think of Christ's 'empowering' servanthood in Philippians 2. Even in this introductory chapter, this has been a good corrective to my own thinking about parental authority. I sometimes fall into thinking that I need to enforce my authority in a coercive way, otherwise my kids might get 'out of control'. This idea of empowerment coupled with grace/forgiveness has helped me to think creatively about ways to guide and discipline my kids...

As much as I dig Trinitarian theology, I had a few difficulties with the way this was used to discuss marriage in the following section. Using Genesis 1:26-27 as a basis, the Balswicks argue that it is the relationality between male and female that constitutes the image of God. This is not a new argument, but in this chapter I think it is used to hold up marriage as a superior way of life, in somehow replicating the Trinitarian relationship. They even suggest at one point that marriage is what it means to be truly human!! If this was the case, why did Paul say it was better to be single? And what of Paul's metaphor of the marriage relationship reflecting Christ and the church?

Although there was much that I found interesting and helpful in this section on marriage, I had another point to question. In their desire not to use 'proof-texts', it seems as though the authors have actually ignored sections of the Bible that speak directly about marriage, such as Ephesians 5:22-33. Wanting to eschew the discussion about submission, instead they promote the concept of 'mutual submission' as though it cancels out the verses that follow. As difficult as those verses might be for us to understand and apply in our cultural context, surely in any theology if Christian marriage we have to grapple with them, rather than simply dismiss them?